I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught
~ Winston Churchill
When I'm feeling less than spectacular, I tend to engage in an activity where I tell myself all the things I'm not. Not successful. Not a super athlete. Not rich. Not in a relationship...I'm good at it. Someone should give me a medal. Or at least one of those vague Dollar Store trophies where the gold guy is just sort of standing around and which can be used for anything from being awesome at bowling to having the most team spirit.
This activity serves a purpose: to make me feel even worse about myself and keep me from changing anything about my life that would make it better.
I've been here before. It happens a lot in the winter - I came out of the womb wanting sunshine and warmth and hot guys without shirts (I was a special baby, obviously), and I can always count on a double dose of it during quiet career spells - when my hopes and dreams seem to bounce off empty white walls.
Because I've already lived through this bullshit, multiple times, I've decided to stop bitching and take a step froward. I'm tired of feeling like my life is a victim of my current state of mind, or my current city, or my current bank account. Instead of all these I'm Nots, there are I Ams:
I Am a screenwriter. No, Michael Bay has not produced anything of mine and I don't routinely polish my oscar with tender rag strokes, but those things simply don't have any barrings on the truth. At 28, with minimal health care, a small amount of savings and two degrees that are now literally collecting dust, if I could have chosen another passion, I would have. I tried to force myself to love math, psychology, politics...anything that would save me from the life I seemed destined for - but nothing took. Especially not math. Sadly.
I Am athletic. As a chubby, bashful kid constantly attached to a pair of bifocal glasses, I don't think I ever imagined classifying myself this way. But people grow up, buy a pair of glasses that fit their damn face and learn to push themselves. My biggest fear has always been doing agility drills in front of other people because don't we all remember the hell that was high school gym class? Jesus. But in the past year I've muscled up, learned how to do push-ups, and even started taking classes at the gym that are pure agility drills. I still wouldn't classify myself as an athlete (don't you have to have branded spandex for that?), and there are times when trying to keep up with the true marathon women amp up the possibility of barfing to an exceptionally high level, but slowly watching my body transform has been one of the proudest achievements of my 20's.
I Am sensitive. I think I've been running from this one for years, but it's easier just to admit it. If you're in a bad mood, unsettled, stressed, hiding something - I know. If you think you're fooling me, you're not. If you get angry in my general direction, I hate it, and think about it for days afterward. If you break my heart, I'll never forget, no matter how much I try. I feel pain at a weirdly intense level and am easily exhausted by crowds. The mistreatment of kids or animals sends me into a Hulk-like rage. I like solitude, and my skin really isn't that thick. I've tried to hide all these things at one point or another with some lame act that includes running and slamming doors when I might cry in front of other people, but enough is enough. It's not like I'm growing out of it any time soon. Might as well make a shirt and wear it.
When I start living in a world where I Am and stop idling in I'm Not, I take more chances, get up and do more things, talk myself out of pie binges and Snapped (a show about women freaking out and killing people) marathons. External situations don't always change, but my determination quotient goes up -- and determination can be a powerful thing.
I Am sensitive. I think I've been running from this one for years, but it's easier just to admit it. If you're in a bad mood, unsettled, stressed, hiding something - I know. If you think you're fooling me, you're not. If you get angry in my general direction, I hate it, and think about it for days afterward. If you break my heart, I'll never forget, no matter how much I try. I feel pain at a weirdly intense level and am easily exhausted by crowds. The mistreatment of kids or animals sends me into a Hulk-like rage. I like solitude, and my skin really isn't that thick. I've tried to hide all these things at one point or another with some lame act that includes running and slamming doors when I might cry in front of other people, but enough is enough. It's not like I'm growing out of it any time soon. Might as well make a shirt and wear it.
When I start living in a world where I Am and stop idling in I'm Not, I take more chances, get up and do more things, talk myself out of pie binges and Snapped (a show about women freaking out and killing people) marathons. External situations don't always change, but my determination quotient goes up -- and determination can be a powerful thing.
I may wake up with a familiar boredom and still feel slightly unfulfilled tomorrow, but at least I'm fighting it.
And staying the fuck away from pie.
16 comments:
I a recent yoga class I learned of a new phrase: so hum. It means, "I am me." Whatever that may be. I love it. I need to repeat it to myself all day long.
IN a recent yoga class... So hum includes my bad typing skills.
Why on earth would you want to stay away from pie?
This is all amazingly motivational EXCEPT: yes, WHY are you staying away from pie? What did it do to you? PIE LOVES YOU.
So good! I feel so at home in your words. inspiration machine!
It's strange how our brains work when we cannot change habits of thought or action. I've heard that our brains like what is familiar to us, and if we are used to not to feel good about ourselves, that's just what we keep on doing. I hope you'll find the strength to change that, little by little!
This is a great post. I know exactly how you feel and I've yet to find a way to combat these feelings. Any day now!
Fashion Dawgs
Damn right you're a screenwriter. You're that screenwriter friend that's on the brink of success, so people best step on the train and off the platform now. That's how I see it.
I loved this exercise, though. It is so easy to pick on the things we lack that we tend to make a sport of it.
Awesome post! It's a good idea to remind yourself of some positives when you are funk! Certainly something I should try to do sometimes.
One piece of pie is ok, right? As long as it's not a binge?
You Am (are) cool.
If you feel another "I'm not..." session coming on, maybe you could try to channel it into a way to find things you're grateful not to be. Remind yourself that you're not hungry, not homeless, not unemployed, certainly not unattractive or uninteresting either.
Also, I think thick skin is overrated. That's not to say I think it's okay to wither away in sorrow when the slightest thing goes wrong, because I've seen people like that and it's not pretty. But there's nothing wrong with being sensitive enough to make you a caring, compassionate person who allows herself to feel things.
Keep on fightin' the good fight lady...but for goodness sake, allow yourself some pie! HA!
I'm a chubby, bashful kid-turned-gym-rat too! Unfortunately, the word "moderation" isn't in my vocabulary, so I spent three years going from lazy sloth to fitness-obsessed freak who was devastated if she didn't get in her daily seven mile run on the treadmill...
I'm with you on this one! And the addiction to pie. :o)
It takes so much willpower to fight your own brain. Good job. And I don't know what an agility drill is but it sounds awful so good job with that too. Now go punch life in the face.
Loved this post. When I read the "I am sensitive" section I was like, egads, is this my twin? Me = same way. And I've also learned to own it, but much later than you, so good going. Also, you're super funny, just thought I'd mention that. :)
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