“It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways."
~ the Buddha
~ the Buddha
Desire is a tricky word. It sounds nice, but in actuality, it sucks. Even the Buddha thinks it sucks. In fact, desire is one of his main detractors from a beautiful life. You can't desire and also live peacefully.
That means most of us are never going to reach enlightenment - especially in the US.
Desire is all we do here. Desire for more. Desire for other. For anything, really, that what we don't currently have.
Desire is all we do here. Desire for more. Desire for other. For anything, really, that what we don't currently have.
I am supremely guilty of desire. I probably spend about 10% of my day wanting shit. A relationship, more money, fame, a house on the beach, a dog, to not look fat in photographs, the ability to stop my face from turning a weird shade of red when exercising...most of my thoughts gravitate toward the stuff I don't or could never have. It's pure masochism. And it's so weird, because I can shut it down - I just choose not to.
Sure, society doesn't make it easy ("you've been single for 18 months? What's wrong with you? ...No, really, you should get that checked out"), but ultimately, I can choose what to feel and what not to feel. I can refuse to feel like a loser when I walk around town on a Friday afternoon, dodging couple after couple, or watching one more I'm Engaged!!!! photo explosion happen on Facebook. I can refuse to feel untalented as studio after studio requests to read my work and then greets me with silence. I can sit in front of a mirror in pink underwear with hearts (is there any other kind?) and NOT feel like I could lose 10 pounds. I could do all of this. But most of the time, I let myself take the easy way out. Self-hatred is so much more familiar than empowerment.
I think a lot of people are here these days. Self-hatred, self-annoyance, feeling worthless or broke or fat or lame...so many of us in our late 20's and early 30's are questioning our lives in a way that only late 20-somethings and early 30-somethings stuck in a stagnant economy can, and what we're coming up with, isn't pretty.
Desire will fuck you up, especially when coupled with self-hate. Those two bitches are mean by themselves, but get them together, and you've got happiness Armageddon.
What gives me comfort though, and why I write when I feel at my most loserish, is that this fight isn't just between me and my individual flaws. We're all here. We're all facing the lion of Desire and the tiger of Self-Hate in a Colosseum together, kind of like that Russel Crowe movie where Russell Crowe was a Roman slave and not yet out of shape and into throwing phones. We can help each other. Through whatever medium works, through whatever actions are available to us. We might as well. Because we're all here together, and nobody's getting out without a lion bite or two.
I write because I want to do my part in helping other people out of the Colosseum. It makes sense to me and feels important. So even when I want to grab my laptop in both hands and smash it over my own head, or cry in an ugly pile of tears and sweat and 2 week old pajamas, I still keep at it. Because what the hell else am I going to do? Give up?
And when you write about your own lion fights, or talk to me about them, or do an angry dance in your room alone while screaming your rage out to Justin Bieber, it does immeasurable good. Because then I know I'm not alone, and I can stop wishing to be tall and thin and a millionaire, at least for a little while, because there are other people just like me out there and they're still alive, still finding ways to be happy - all without a mansion with a completely useless elevator or Brad Pitt as a husband.
I have this feeling that my family thinks I've turned into some kind of spiritual preacher - and they roll their eyes when I get on my soapbox and jab my fork in their direction, but it's only because I'm so passionate I could pass out over this: we. are. all. in. it. together -- so therefore, we. can. all. fight. as. one.
The unhealthy Desires and Self-Hates that glare at you at night - let them out of their cages.
Right now.
I promise to stand next to you.
...especially if you happen to be holding a candy bar.
10 comments:
thank you. really. you are such a blessing to have in my life. thank you.
Ah yes, I struggle with desire all day long, too. But then I think, if I don't want things, who am I?
Oh my goodness, yes! Thank you,someone who gets me and stands on soapboxes to preach to people about things in our lives that are not in our control!
You are amazing and I really hope that a studio will pick up something of yours one day, very, very soon.
I'm (and you) in luck because I have a candy bar! Actually I have two...and a handful of Rolos.
You only spend 10% of your day wanting stuff? That sounds like a good percentage to me. I'm pretty sure mine is more like 40%.
In a seriousness though, I'm feeling this post. There's been stuff that I haven't blogged about yet...but you're right. We're all in this together.
Awesome post. I feel like so many of us feel the same way. I can relate so much to what you wrote about desire.
I love you. And I love that we write for the same reason sometimes.
http://twenty-whatever.blogspot.com/2011/09/wherefore-art-thou-blogger.html
I don't know WHAT I would do without you, Jess. For realz.
It's funny because our perceptions are so different.
I envy you. You are so pretty and your hair is so perfect and you're really smart and incredibly funny and you are finding something meangingful in life. So I have desire to be more like you, which you probably think is insane, right?
Thanks for "fighting-the-good-fight" in our Thunderdome of self-hate and depression :-)
My technique when I desire things that other people have is to look at all the things I have that I desire. No matter what your situation is, you can always find something you're thankful for, even if it's as simple as having all your body parts or something to eat. And I'm a big fan of togetherness too, for any rough times really. All the crappiest parts of my life were made much less crappy by the people who helped me through them.
I love you, girl. You just made me feel all sentimental. What's up with that? I'm totally loving you right now though, and I hope you feel it. ;-)
I absolutely love this post. I couldn't agree more. Much of what I share has a dual purpose--to help me work through it and to help others who might be going through similar things. We all have our own battles.
Love this analogy.
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