[When I'm not eating chips with guacamole or fighting with my newest screenplay, I'm working for PsychCentral.com, one of the most comprehensive mental health sites on the web. It's a pretty amazing place, and I have learned bucketfuls of information since starting with them.
Mental Health isn't always a comfortable topic, but it's an essential one. That's why PsychCentral, in partnership with numerous other sites and blogs is participating in World Mental Health Day, today, October 10th.
And since I've never met a party I didn't like - I've decided to join in.]
The I in illness is isolation,
and the crucial letters in wellness are we.
~ Anonymous
~ Anonymous
I've been reading a book that makes me sob almost daily (although I try to sob quietly, considering my roommate is just a wall away). It's a Buddhist perspective on death and dying, and while I'm blessed to not be dealing directly with death at the moment, I can feel parts of me shriveling up and disappearing just the same.
It's all part of trend that started about a year ago, when lots of definites and for sures began to crumble and crack all around me. It sounds scary, saying it that way, and it was (it still is), but the funny thing is that the less certain my life has become, the healthier and happier I've felt.
And maybe that's why I find myself sobbing every time I read this damn book, I'm grieving all the things I was never able to feel when I was simply surviving.
Growing up, I had a lot of rules set in place. Rules about who my family members were, who I was, what my future would look like, how the world worked, how spirituality happened...I spent a lot of time building these rules, and then more time repairing them, whenever something tried to break them down. As an anxiety-prone, sensitive child, rules were essential to my existence. The more rules I had, the easier the day was. Whenever life felt overwhelming, I would just retreat back to the things I knew to be true, and found solace in their concreteness. It didn't matter that some of these rules didn't particularly serve me ("I will never be beautiful, so...", "I'm just not athletic..."), they were rules and they were unshakable and they were safe.
And then, seemingly overnight (I mean like really overnight), my rules stopped feeling safe and started feeling suffocating.
As I unravel old beliefs, dismantle old conventions and let go of childish security blankets, both fear and happiness are beginning to rush in with a force I'm not accustomed to. Daily life is bright, even when it feels flat, because I'm operating from a conscious place, a questioning place, a place that wants to see the world without a blurry prescription based on a smothering set of self-imposed laws.
I still worry. I often feel lonely and confused and wish with all my heart someone had a manual already drawn up for this – but now that I'm here, there's just no going back. Opening myself up to the possibility that I am more than previously imagined, that most of the world is more than previously imagined, has given me a type of air in my lungs I wish everyone could breathe.
We're taught that life's easier when we swim downstream. When we abide by conventional wisdom and let other people do the thinking for us. And it is.
But it certainly isn't as beautiful.
11 comments:
I had no idea that was today. I've told my story and hope others are inspired to tell theirs too. The more we talk about it, the closer we get to eliminating the stigma.
I wish I had known what day it was! I definitely would have posted about it. Of course, I've probably talked about mental illness enough over on PCL. But who knows when it might reach someone in need.
That's how I was reached...by articles in magazines and made for television movies that tried to reach someone again and again and finally caught me. And just in time.
Great post. I agree that the world can be a more beautiful and exciting place when we start living fully and in a way that's true to ourselves. I would love to hear more about what caused your rules to change so quickly in a future post.
Interestingly, I just posted about my own struggles with mental health on my blog with no awareness of the date. Talk about unintentional timing!
I enjoyed reading your post and have a lot of identification with it. I actually am grieving the lost of my dad at the moment and it is one of, if not the most difficult emotion I have ever had to experience. My past experience has been that life is indeed easier when I have let others do the thinking for me, but not no more...I now think for myself and although, things are not as easy when I did, it sure has boosted my self esteem up a few notches and that is priceless. Thank you for a good post!
Wow...do we sound like twinners as children, or what (yeah, I'm a red head too).
I'm so glad you are seeing life through new eyes. Sometimes a new perspective is all we need to see what we have been missing out on.
Thanks for participating in World Mental Health Day. I, too, just finished my post and submitted it.
I think it's awesome. My life is dedicated to spreading HOPE to others. I was very happy to be able to be a part of something so cool.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
well, I tell ya. I fight this all the time. I'm a person who is regimented and structured. i live by lists and timelines and all that shit.
yet, there is this spontaneous side of me that does random shit when my heart leads me in a direction.
and i'm always happier when i'm doing that. but, it's hard letting go. if there's one thing i've learned in my 20s it's that all my lists have meant shit.
Jess this is beautiful, I love you so much.
I came across your blog after checking out Solitary Diner and I must say I am hooked.
Would love to know the name of the book you are reading that is so eye-opening yet so saddening. I studied a lot of religion in my under grad studies and would love to get my hands on this book you reference.
I'm a dedicated follower now!
Best,
AmericanBridget
http://www.americanbridget.com
Your post reminds me of a quote from His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama -
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered,
"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
I feel you with the uncertainty and the accompanying anxiety. I'm the sort of person who likes to know the endings of movies and have often wished that life could be foretold in a similar fashion.
But in the end, you're right. Life is nowhere near as fulfilling or beautiful that way.
Inspiring. Sometimes I love your posts so much, I feel like any comment I write just does not do it any justice.
I know you're a screenwriter, but you should totally write a book some day.
This is a lifelong process, I've found...
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