“Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The day we were supposed to meet, I realized I was miserable.
It was more than just the fact that it was going to be a first meeting between two people who had only said hi online two weeks earlier (although that was awkward enough), it was the thought of putting myself out there and possibly being disappointed. Again.
I think it's fair to say that love has proven to be an unruly creature in my life. My brushes with it have not been without wounds that go all the way to the bone. Just a year ago I was involved in something that was the antitheses of what I want Love to look like, and the fallout was rough. It took 13 months to recognize where I had gone wrong, again, and what I had allowed to shake my internal self, again. Again and again. Maybe that was the last time I would ever drown in a cheap imitation of what I truly want (I think it was), but it didn't help my belief in the real thing.
While I operate from an open-hearted, happy place, there's a part of me that's always suspicious. A part that's deeply analytical about an emotion that's supposedly undefinable. As the hours ticked away and our meeting got closer, I could feel that part start to kick and scream.
I don't want to do this. I'd rather be alone, honestly. Let's just stay here; quiet and collected with a freshly made bed and a life lived on solo time. Let's tell him we're sick.
My depressed state got so intense that I had to go for a drive in the mountains. I tried, over and over again, to understand why my heart pushed against the idea of literally just getting drinks. And all it kept saying is that it didn't want to be let down one more time. It had found, in these 13 months of solitude, a beautiful quiet that it didn't want disrupted.
In the end I met him for drinks (or drink, since more than one usually means I'll try to turn my shirt inside out in front of large crowds of people) - and it was completely and utterly fine. Fun, even. As I do my best to practice non-attachment, I can't say what will come of it, but even if I never hear from him again, or it doesn't work out, and "disappointment" tries to flutter over everything, I won't let my heart accept it as a negative.
Because scars are just ugly marks unless we learn from them. And if I've learned anything from this crazy ride I can't remember ever buying a ticket for, it's that every choice I make around Love, is my choice to make. My self-worth is not connected to someone else, whether it's a phone call that never comes or 10 years of a beautiful relationship, and no one can make me feel anything I don't first give myself the okay to feel.
Of course I want that awesome relationship.
But I've also got to live in the here and now, where it doesn't currently exist, and still find peace.
I hope it comes for me soon.
But until then, I'll keep pestering my heart
to tip-toe out into the wild,
unruly,
unpredictable,
world.
18 comments:
Do I sense a note of positivity? ;) I'm happy that your meeting turned out to be pleasant. There is nothing worse than an awful date with someone you met online. At least that's been my experience. Sigh.
I think right now you should just relax and have fun, which it sounds like you're doing. You're single, gorgeous, and finally figuring out who you are and what you need. I'm glad you're not looking to rush into anything and you're keeping a safe distance.
I can't wait to hear updates! xo
You're a stronger person than I. If I were to find myself single again, I'd be a hermit, and one more box in the basement short of an episode of "Hoarders."
If there's one thing I learned it's the cliche to be yourself. It takes far less energy to be honest about who you are, what you like, what you dislike, what you want, what you need, and what you feel than it is to maintain the lie.
It's ok not to be ok.
But, I think you're more than just ok.
I'm proud of you for going on that date; based on what you've written, that took a lot of courage.
Also, just the fact that you went shows that your scars are healing. :)
Hell yes, good for you. That's exactly how to do it and although most of us even realize that, most people just don't. It's hard. You have to have faith in yourself and like being with yourself I think and you seem to be on top of matters, entirely in this department. It'll happen when you're ready. Simple. In my 20s I was the only one of all my friends who didn't care if I had a boyfriend or not, but I wasn't interested in going out and looking for someone - that being the aim - I was interested in doing things I enjoyed and if someone popped up of interest during all that, that was great, if not, oh well. I'm glad I took that route. It worked out great now!
oh girl.
you're simply awesome.
i loved and can relate to this post so much. I'm glad you went for drinks... that's a step. and i know what you mean about loving that solitude. i'd take that over heartbreak and drama any day.
but then again, you know what they say. the course of true love never did run smoothly.
so.
Well, it always seems like when one is comfortable being just with themselves, that is when they are ready to find Love. Or something. Maybe I read that on a fortune cookie at some point. :)
But really, in my experience, it seems like when you are not truly searching and trying and longing to be with someone, that is when the world gives you "the one." I hope this is true for you. Good luck on your quest.
Yay! I know that took a bit of courage for you to do, but you did it! Being positive is always a good thing too, keep it up!
I'm glad you went...and had fun!
I get that feeling all the time. Not just with dates. "Why do I have to go? I'd rather just stay in." Then, once I get there, I have a great time.
Although I'm no longer in the market for a romantic relationship, I do the same thing with friendships in real life. I get very picky about who I'll spend time with and what I'll leave the comfort of my home for these days. Usually, once I make it there, I realize it was silly to worry. But it doesn't stop me beforehand.
One step at a time it will come...But in the meantime have fun!
It must be hard putting yourself out there, but who knows what it could lead too. I think going for coffee or a drink is the perfect first date because it’s easy and if the person turns out to be a weirdo you can get out the situation quickly. Good luck on your next date!
Having been in a situation that I would also describe as the antithesis of love (and that is me being polite) and going through a long, tumultuous healing period of my own, I just want to say that you probably did the right thing by taking time for you - and only you - to focus and get it together.
The suspicion is normal. I even think it's a little healthy. A woman should be on her guard when it comes to matters of the heart; there are so many people who will treat you like less than you are.
I went out and wasted countless months in a series of cheap trysts, on-and-off's, mini-ships like that. It made the healing process that much more difficult. I never invested in or valued those ... "whatever they weres." I just did them. I admire you for chilling out and focusing.
That said - it sounds like you need a dose of risk the amazing things that it can bring you. I'm stoked that you went out, took a chance, and had fun! Time to open up, lady.
I found that once I accepted that I didn't need to be in a relationship to be happy, I found a healthy one!
I got butterflies in my stomach just reading this. I'm so happy you had fun. If this fella doesn't work out, its practice for the next one.
The crazy thing about love is that even if you're with the right person, it still feels like shit sometimes.
The only thing that I know for sure is that you will never find love if you don't keep your heart open and take the risk. Sadly, sometimes it does hurt along the way. I'm really proud of you for not bailing on the guy. Some of that may have just been normal old nerves! I think you really have gotten wiser in the past year...makes me happy.
Lovely writing, as always--so glad I found your blog. It is super smart to take your time with things. If more people did that, there'd be less damaged and broken people going from relationship to relationship. It's important to come to terms with what you really want, and to take the time to be with yourself for a little while. It sounds like you've done just that.
Post a Comment